when I stare at a blank page all I can think of is “I”. It is always easier for me to write in the first person point of view and always easier to narrate my own story and build an imaginary plot, where I will be the main character. Sometimes, I wish people were able to communicate using telepathy so they simply understand what is currently going on in my head. It is easier that way cause I have plenty of secret ingredients to cook a special dish; which I can not convey either in oral or written form.
It’s all there in my head ;stirred, mixed and combined yet I actually never serve a real delicious food. During my lazy days, My food will be slightly undercook. I read less of instructions and tips so the result is a tough meat that’s hard to chew and to digest . In the end, you’ll say to yourself
” ok, I have enough of these horrible food”.
In some days I would wake up passionately, wearing my apron looking like a pro chef, put my glasses on , emptied my mind and read hundred pages of instructions and tips. I go to class with plenty of knowledge and prepared ingredients so I will be ready to tell them my thoughts. As soon as I reach the front door, I start to lose my nerve. I try to convince myself and it has been more like a religious ritual before I enter the class. As usual, I sit next to my comrades who will persuaded me to answer the lecturer’s questions. I mention them as ” comrades” because we often use terms like bourgeois and proletarian to address our identity. I know we are no more living under communist or socialist influence but these days I seriously think the idea of distinguishing people based on class is still explicitly applied yet in more modernized way. It is all because the idea of communist and socialist are like rotten and dangerous mushroom; though those adjectives I mentioned are purely subjective.
Let me take you back to my main course
We are seated in a row and our eyes glued to the front as if we are watching a talk show, we try to appear as quiet as possible and wear a mask of forced laugh. Forty five minutes feels like a decade in a long boring lecture about a strange food we’ve never even tasted before. We have to examine carefully; its shape and taste , jolting down some tips and additional required ingredients, if we missed just one slide, it would be the matter of luck. Yes, a matter of luck, because listening to comrade’s explanation would do nothing.
Discussion is moment which I really enjoy, but it is more like a cemetery; dead and solemn. Instantly, angel and devil are giggling to your lack of evidence and facts which in this matter are the list of ingredients. Some comrades, the brilliant one tried to come up with an answer, they utter magnificent vocabularies and ideas meanwhile other comrades will be drooling over their daydream.
Some dream of becoming popular feminist supermodel
Some dream of becoming unbeatable debater
Some dream of becoming cat
Some dream of their menu of next supper
A lot of dreams are there but these brilliant comrades keep uttering highly sophisticated ideas and vocabularies which sometimes, ruins our beautiful daydreaming. As a day dreamer we appear to look up front seriously but our mind wander far beyond north pole. Like a lightning bolt, the lecturer pointed his finger at me. ” what is represented by a great hall in beowulf?”
While waiting for my answer, every daydreamer wake up half conscious staring at me.
” It’s there in my head” I said it to myself
” Great hall represents as a shelter to indigenous culture during the invasion of other tribes, it is meant to preserve the existing culture and social norms. That is why great hall is the place of people to have feast ……” said my brain
but with a pressure to answer a question and afraid of uttering ” sorry, I don’t know”. I choose to defend a little bit of my dignity by saying
” it’s a place to have a feast and a shelter ” I said it out loud at the class in tremble voice. Then the class gets very quiet, while the lecturer said
” come on you have to say something more about it”
With dissatisfied look , he turned away, preying on other student like an eagle preying on fishes from high above the ground. He moved to other side of the class and make a remark
” show me that you have a brain and it works”
That is my daily struggle , I cook a delicious food inside my brain but I can never serve right in front of people. So I only wish there will be a machine that will help people understand each other without uttering a single word. Not even an ” A” .